JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) – U.S. television magnate and actor Oprah Winfrey said on Monday she was “cleaning house” at her exclusive all-girl academy in South Africa after a dormitory matron was charged with abusing students at the facility. Describing the charges — including soliciting under-age girls to perform indecent acts — as one of the most devastating experiences in her life, Oprah said she had not renewed the head mistress’s contract and was taking other tough measures.

“We are removing the dorm parents, and as I have said to the girls, (we are) cleaning house from top to bottom,” she said in a video news conference from Chicago.

“It has shaken me to my core.”

Former dormitory matron Virginia Mokgobo, 27, was arrested on Thursday on charges including assault, indecent assault and soliciting under-age girls to perform indecent acts.

I’ve listened to this story quite a bit today. It’s saddening and disheartening. I believe that any person who takes innocence away from a child in ANY form should be sentenced to a very lengthy term in prison. I hope the book is thrown at the assailant.

Signs of Emotional Maltreatment

Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the child:

Shows extremes in behavior, such as overly compliant or demanding behavior, extreme passivity, or aggression.
Is either inappropriately adult (parenting other children, for example) or inappropriately infantile (frequently rocking or head-banging, for example).
Is delayed in physical or emotional development.
Has attempted suicide.
Reports a lack of attachment to the parent.

Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the parent or other adult caregiver:

Constantly blames, belittles, or berates the child.
Is unconcerned about the child and refuses to consider offers of help for the child’s problems.
Overtly rejects the child.

On a dark cold, scary road

The only thoughts were of you

And the suffering I went through

You said you loved me

With kindled fire in your eyes

As the years have gone by

That fire has slowly begun to dry

You said it was my fault,

I wasn’t good enough

I believed all the words you said

Letting them enter my mind, my head

I took some time

Away from life

I didn’t hear those words of hate

And found myself somewhat irate

I saw the same in your eyes

Which were so full of lies

Now when say you love me

I know, your love is not what should be.

As I grow, and as I learn,

I find myself not so willing

To accept the lies you told

That always seemed to bring me hell

I still have love for you,

No matter what wrong you do

But for the first time in years

I love myself- blood, sweat and tears

Decide to make a choice

To stand for honor with a strong voice

You will see changes in your life;

Where joy comes without the strife

Good luck to you upon your journeys grand

May you find courage

To become the man I loved, once again

That morning at the beginning of 2006 marked a long battle she would face over the coming months. She told the story of the man, who had raised her since the age of four, who took her innocence and ripped a tender little girl apart into her teenage years. The proper authorities were phoned and the process of interviews and examinations began.

There was no one in the family that believed in her word. They saw her at a troublemaker; never believing, for one minute, that man could have possibly done as she had described. Yet, she stuck to her guns, held fast to the truth she had lived for so many years and didn’t back down. She continued to tell her story; it was verbatim, word for word. There was not one account that she couldn’t recall, not one moment of torture and torment she couldn’t describe time after time, interview after interview. She stood against the world, fighting for the justice she so deserved; not to mention her two younger sisters she wanted to protect.

Department of family services had completed their investigation and believed she was not telling the truth. They released her father’ allowing him the opportunity to return home. Fortunately, there was someone still in her corner, the military.

As her ‘father’ was enlisted in the ARMY, they continued and finally sat down with him and asked a very simple question after laying the transcriptions of all interviews conducted with her on the table before him; “Why is it her story never changes?” He finally spoke the truth when he stated, “Her story will never change as she is telling the truth.”

The months rolled by and finally a trial date was set. She would have to stand before him and recount the events transpired once again. A courtroom full of people, men in military uniforms, a judge behind the bench, lawyers at each table, all eyes and ears piercing through her tender soul. She stammered as she took her place, facing that man again for the first time in months. She took a deep breath and let out a loud sigh as she began answering questions and recounting, one last time, the events in her life as she saw them. It was the courage of one teenaged girl against the unbelieving world that became the final showdown.

Time drug on everyone awaited the verdict of the case. Each moment lasted an eternity in this young woman’s questioning mind. Would they ever make a decision? What if they let him go even after he admitted to hurting her? Would she be standing outside and see him again one day? Would she be able to face the world if her worst fears are confirmed? Could he hurt her even worse?

Notice was finally received that a verdict had been reached and her heart sank. She would stand in that courtroom once again, praying that her attempt to right the wrongs committed against her was not a fruitless quest. She prayed, “Lord help me if he is sent home.”

The judge delivered a strong and powerful message in the courtroom that cold day in November. The man who had hurt so many lives was sentenced to a term in Leavenworth for his acts.

I received a phone call shortly following; delivering the news of what occurred and I fell to my knees with tears streaming down my face, unsure what to feel exactly. I was proud of her for making a stand; saddened at the sentence my brother received and felt closure at the same time. Not only did my niece put an end to those chapters in her life, she closed them in mine; as I, too, was a victim of his actions.

As difficult as this letter is for me to write, I know that it is a necessary step in my final and ultimate healing that needs to take place in my life. I have come to this realization because of all that has transpired and how it has affected me, my life and those around me.

I have been angry. I have been angry at everything in my life. I made choices in my life because I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t correlate what you did to me with the choices I was making and was so lost in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to understand all that was taking place. It wasn’t until so many years later that I have been able to comprehend everything.

I feel guilty. I was only 8 years old when I told Mom that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself because of what I was going through and she couldn’t understand why I would feel that way. I was put into counseling and when the male counselor was getting frustrated with not understanding why I felt the way I did, instead of actually looking at what I was telling him through pictures, I conformed to what he wanted and it was the end of my counseling. I should have continued, and perhaps further abuse wouldn’t have occurred in my life, but even more so, in the lives of the girls. I can’t possibly think that you would be able to differentiate between victims you chose with a blood relation or not at this point. I harbor much guilt for that, and it isn’t my place to be guilty. You hurt me by your own choice and you hurt them by your own choice. The guilt I feel should be solely carried by you.

I even felt guilty when I told Mom at the age of 17 that you had abused me and again in 2000, after I had confronted you. I let her read all the emails between you and I and she cried, for days. She didn’t want to believe me, as you were always the prodigal child and to see that you could have hurt someone devastated her, especially one of her children. She always swore that she wouldn’t let anyone hurt one of her children the way she had been hurt, and you did. I felt guilty because that hurt her. I didn’t need to feel guilty – and neither did she. YOU made your choices and you hurt more than just me by them.

I am hurt. In 2000, after I had confronted you about the abuse you delivered into my life, we had begun the process of rebuilding our relationship. I, at that point, had let go of what occurred in the past and was focused on the present. You were a major part of my life and I wanted you to continue to be part of my life. I trusted you and would confide in you. It was important that we had the sibling relationship, from where I stood. I value family more than you could ever know and I didn’t want to shove you out of my life because I was abused by you. I truly felt we had found a strong and stable relationship that was open and honest. Through this process I have come to the difficult realization that the prior six years were nothing but a fabrication. I would love to believe otherwise, but know that if you were capable of hurting another person then the entire show that you put on was just that, a show and I was just another one of the puppets in the play.

I had rebuilt so much trust in you that I would have given my life to believe that what Rene came forth with was a lie. When I actually heard what she said, I questioned… as there were so many similarities between what she claimed you did to her and what you did to me. It was through listening to the accusations that I had to question deep within myself if you were capable of causing that same life sentence to another person. It is a life sentence and carries through to every aspect of your life. It isn’t something you just forget and if you don’t remember EVERYTHING at some point little things will sneak out when you least expect it and again, it throws you for such a complete and total whirlwind of emotion it devastates all of those around you – even your children, as I have found.

The physical hurt is nothing compared to the emotional devastation I have encountered through my life. I have looked upon sex as a necessity in order for any person to feel any sort of love towards me. I have been dependent upon a man to provide some sense of happiness in my life. It wasn’t until recently in my life that I discovered I could be happy if I was alone.

It took more struggle in my life to reach that ultimate conclusion that I care to express. I found stability in my life, by myself. I was able to do anything and everything I could have wanted. I was even able to blow $700 on a trip for myself and one other to go to a concert. I was able to do that because I found the stability in my life to accomplish that. However, I’m now struggling, once again, with that as I have moved from my comfort zone and with that, the emotional baggage that I have carried throughout my entire life, starting at such a young age, has resurfaced and I stand, looking at the man that I love so much and question if we can survive this because I am not me – again.

I am reaching a point where I realize more than I could have realized in the past how much your actions play a part in my life. It is because of this that I have to reach out to you, and allow you to see just what pain I have encountered in my life as a result. THIS is not something I wanted, YOUR actions are not something I ASKED for and YOU took my innocence. HOW fair is it that I didn’t get to make my own choices as to who I wanted to touch me, when I wanted them to touch me or how I wanted them to touch me? It isn’t fair and you took all of that away from me. Now, it’s up to me to regain my own sense of self-worth so that I can continue to reach for my dreams and accomplish everything I was born to accomplish.

Voicing my opinion with men has been more than difficult. I have struggled with this since I can remember. If I said anything, I would face the serious repercussions of not feeling loved. I still get scared out of my mind when I have to answer any question that someone might not appreciate. I am brought back to being 8 years old, sitting in that little room with a counselor and him asking me questions about why I drew an image the way I drew it and not having the ability to speak out. YOU did that to me, you took that away from me too. I feel like I have accomplished great feats when someone will ask me now if I’m okay and I respond with “No.” That is a major hurdle in my daily life – and you are at the root of that cause.

I found that I could write and write out the emotions that I felt. You shaped what I wanted to become in my life – a lawyer who specialized in child abuse and abandonment, but at the same time, I feared rejection so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to go to school for it. Where would I be now if I hadn’t gone through the abuse that you put me through? What type of person would I be? I know I wouldn’t be a timid person who questions her every thought and action. I would be a person more than willing to stand up for everything and everyone that I believed in. You took that from me.

I have had very little sense of self-worth throughout my life. I have looked towards everyone else to ensure that I had worth instead of looking at and inside of myself. I have conformed to what other’s felt I should be doing just to have some satisfaction in their eyes that I am worth a shit. I’m a human being and aside from some lousy choices I’ve made in my life, I am an incredible person. I have a heart bigger than most, I help people in any way I possibly can and more importantly, I exist in a manner that, by all standards, is much more honorable than what the majority of society does. I have morals and I live with them, live by them and don’t default myself and allow myself to sit below those morals to exist. My worth as a human is more than I have felt in the last 20 years of my life. I am struggling with that once again, but in dealing with and allowing you to know the true effects of your actions, I don’t have to succumb to those feelings of worthlessness ever again.

You know, I was ashamed to state that my brother went to prison for molesting his daughter. I WAS ashamed. That isn’t a feeling I possess any longer. So what, you went to prison. That isn’t a reason for me to feel shame. There is no reason in the world for me to feel shame that you made the choice to take my innocence and no reason for me not to announce to the world that you did what you chose to do. YOU made your choice and it isn’t for me to feel the repercussions of YOUR choices. It is up to me to rise above the choices you made and cope with the effects they have left in my life so that I can be more than what I have seen myself as for so many years.

I am a woman on a journey to change. I am changing from the timid, insecure and victimized child into a woman with every reason in the world to be proud of who she is, no matter what choices I’ve made in the past. It is up to me to make the best of my life and it’s up to me to ensure that YOUR actions don’t press upon my life in a negative manner any longer. I am working on all of that and working on being the best possible mother, friend, soon-to-be wife (proving that we make it there now), employee and person I possibly can be.

I was happy hearing that you would be in prison for only 14 years to start. I felt that would be enough time for you to undergo serious amounts of treatment and hopefully return to society in a rehabilitated manner. Although, as I sit here now, and really looking at the impact you have made in my life for over 20 years, I’m not sure that a 14 year sentence is adequate. I have lived in a prison for over 20 years of my life. Your daughters will live in a prison for the rest of their lives. Can you truly understand the repercussions of your actions in the time you are in prison? I don’t think that a life sentence is long enough for you to understand or ‘repay’ your debt to your victims. You are lucky I’m not the unbiased judge sitting behind the bench sentencing you to your term locked away. Knowing the true devastating impact your actions have left upon your victims would put me wanting them to subject you to cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t have the option of bringing charges against you as the statute of limitations has long run out, but if I could, I would so that I could stand in front of a courtroom full of people and read this letter to them. I want them to know how you have impacted my life and the choices I have made in my life.

At this point, I have to look at you as my assailant instead of my brother. By adding in the dynamics of that relationship, all it does is add to my confusion. You hurt me, you hurt me in ways I never thought possible nor would have thought possible especially since you were supposed to protect me from all the bad in the world as my big brother.

I still love you. That’s something that comes with you being my brother and coming from the same Mother. There are some memories from childhood that include you to which I will forever cherish. The majority, however, lead to ill feelings that I am working on seeing their positive effect in my life now. I really do hope that you receive the treatment that will help you, but I will never see you as a cured person.

I will not apologize for the intensity of this letter. I have no reason to be sorry as it was your actions that brought this letter to its creation. You have much more to account for than the abuse you wrought into my life. Perhaps after knowing the negative impact you have created in my life, you will begin to see the life-long prison your daughters now face and any other victim that has crossed your path in the last 20+ years.

I do wish you well in your time incarcerated. I pray that you will find peace, understanding and somehow find the way to forgive yourself of the heinous actions delivered.

That was the ad, with a phone number to call. My mom phoned and arranged a time to meet the animal that was described. With me in tow, we drove to the other side of town and walked to the door of the house. She knocked.

The owner of the Spaniel said he would be back with her, as she was out back. We stood and watched the small black dog tremble as she entered. I knelt down and she darted for me, placing her head in my hand, offering a look that brought tears to my eyes. We stood there as my mother asked all the pertinent questions. At the end of the conversation, the current owner mentioned that the doghouse was available, too.

We ventured out back to examine the doghouse. What we found was a boarded box, sporting a door. What hurt most was the lock; used to barricade her into that small confinement against her will. My mom declined to take the doghouse, but insisted on bringing her home with us.

Lady became my best friend and companion. I wanted her close at all times. More often than not, Lady found her way to the foot of my bed and slept, curled in a ball. She had become my pet.

Lady had a renewed sense of freedom. We played and wrestled; ran and slept. She showed the spirit of a fighter and the compassion of an angel. When the moments arose where my life was not perfect, Lady was by my side, offering a tender heart and a comforting paw.

It was five years and two litters of pups later, when I had to say good-bye to Lady. We were moving half way across the country and we couldn’t bring her with us. I was devastated. I would have traded all my belongings to have her at my side in a new town with old challenges.

One night my stepfather raised his hand to me. I remembered Lady’s fight in that instant. She survived the horrific conditions of her early life and flourished well into adulthood. I stood there, with tears in my eyes, staring down the man who had wrought so much havoc in my life. He lowered his hands and walked away.

It was the memory of my dear companion, once saved from abuse that brought my greatest healing. I was no longer a victim.

I posted two weeks ago about the very long night that we endured where I called the police in regards to the domestic dispute that was occurring.  The past couple of weeks have been quite a challenge with countless bad looks and comments coming from the male in the couple.  She has remained quiet and guarded in the course of this time.

Today, I walked into my bedroom and heard thumping followed by screaming.  I, again, called the police.  They were here more quickly today (6 minutes) than two weeks ago with a nine minute response time.  Upon the officers arrival, I stepped outside and explained the situation.

The officers were here for close to two hours today.  They still failed to arrest the man responsible for the screaming that came from the apartment above.  However, told him that he was not to return until after she is gone at the beginning of next week.

I did venture upstairs after all was said and done and spoke with her for a short time.  I wasn’t sure if she would be angry with me for calling the police.  Her response was a bit surprising when she thanked me for not just standing by.

I don’t believe that people should ever be subjected to torture of any kind.  I couldn’t stand by and find out some time later than permanent damage or death could have occurred.

She has planned on leaving him and her father will be here on Monday to move her back to Washington.  There definitely is something good out of the situation.

Original Blog Posting

In a statement, officials said domestic violence can create a hostile environment that can have devastating emotional and physical effects on children. Children who witness violence display emotional and behavioral disturbances such as withdrawal, low self-esteem, nightmares, and aggression against families, peers and property, officials said.

They are also more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs and alcohol, and run away from home. Men who witness domestic violence as children are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children, officials said.

Article

Did you know that in 2005, 46 lives were lost to domestic violence in the State of Wisconsin, including 40 homicides and six perpetrators that committed suicide?

This domestic violence homicide rate increased dramatically from 28 homicides in 2004. Of the total incidents, 76 percent involved a known history of prior domestic violence. Half of the domestic violence-related homicides involved a victim who was attempting to leave or had already left an abusive partner. There are 28 minor children and 18 adult children left orphaned or without a mother or father across the state.

Article

But after years of verbal abuse, Kim’s mom decided it was time for a change, time to end her 32 year marriage once and for all. “She had moved out a couple of times, and he always talked her back. You know sweet talked her, said ‘Things will get better. I’ll get help.’ This time she said, ‘Nope, I’m done. This time we’re getting a divorce.”

And this time it would be final, in more ways than one. On September 19, 1992, Kim’s dad snapped and shot her mom at least six times as she worked a garage sale at their home.

Article

Along with raising her three children, she’s rebuilding her life after a divorce from a man who verbally abused her and tried to run her life in every way.

During their relationship, her ex-husband controlled virtually everything she did and wouldn’t let her work. Eventually, she mustered up the courage to leave the relationship and filed for divorce.

Article

While some of these articles speak of empowering oneself after abuse, others speak of the terrifying effects of abuse.  Abuse is no laughing matter and no matter one can shrug off.  If you suspect something occurring, don’t hesitate to phone the police or child protective services if children are involved.  You have the power to make a difference!

• In 2000, 1247 women and 440 men were killed by their domestic partner. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003)
• Homicide is the leading cause of death overall for pregnant women, followed by cancer, acute and chronic respiratory conditions, motor vehicle collisions and drug overdose, peripartum and postpartum cardiomyopthy, and suicide. (Nannini, A., Weiss, J., Goldstein, R., & Fogerty, S., (2002). Pregnancy-Associated Mortality at the End of the Twentieth Century: Massachusetts, 1990 – 1999. Journal of the American Medical Women’s Association, Vol. 57, No. 23, Summer 2002.)
• Estimates of domestic violence range between 960,000 to three million occurrences per year. (U.S. Department of Justice, Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, March 1998 AND The Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, May 1999)
• Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. (Jay G. Silverman, PhD; Anita Raj, PhD; Lorelei A. Mucci, MPH; and Jeanne E. Hathaway, MD, MPH, “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality,” Journal of the American Medical Association, Vol. 286, No. 5, 2001)
• In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. (Strauss, Murray A, Gelles, Richard J., and Smith, Christine. 1990. Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers )
• Studies suggest that between 3.3 – 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. (Carlson, Bonnie E. (1984). Children’s observations of interpersonal violence. Pp. 147-167 in A.R. Roberts (Ed.) Battered women and their families (pp. 147-167). NY: Springer. Straus, M.A. (1992). Children as witnesses to marital violence: A risk factor for lifelong problems among a nationally representative sample of American men and women. Report of the Twenty-Third Ross Roundtable. Columbus, OH: Ross Laboratories. )
• Intimate partner violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2001, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence (588,490 total) and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims (103,220 total). (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003)

You want to talk about deadly?  With 1687 deaths per year attributed to domestic violence, that number equates to 4.6 deaths per day and hundreds of others who are assaulted without a death occurring.  Domestic Violence deserves our attention.

I am a once abused woman. I’ve been fortunate to stand tall and rise above many adversities that have crossed my life path. I face most days with a positive outlook and reach through the trenches of my past finding the opportunity to smile.

For more information about myself and a bit about my past, see the about me page.

This blog is dedicated to sharing personal accounts, my healing processes (including what worked and what didn’t!), events in the news related to abuse and even a few songs and miscellaneous writings that are all related.

If you have found your way here as a once abused individual, I hope that you find the courage to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences here as well.